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Samuel L asks: Where’s the textures?

We’re all aware of the mediocrity that makes up most licensed-property videogames, but Brash Entertainment’s latest effort Jumper: Griffin’s Story is so far beyond mediocre that it starts treading on the thin ice of being “bad”, only to fall through the cracks and drown within the first ten minutes.

The original combat system begins to wear thin, enemy behavior becomes laughable, and the physical gameplay becomes an adventure in tedium that will have you in a furious rage as you struggle with a busted targeting system, a nuisance of a camera and combat that straight up does not work.

The only redeeming quality, aside from the aforementioned cleverness of the fighting mechanics, is that Jumper is practically over before it begins. After 90 minutes of play, you will have completed the entire incomprehensible story mode, start to finish.

In that time, you will have teleported across the world in a half-dozen exotic locations, punching and swatting enemies with baseball bats in 10 minute bursts. Each level consists of five or so arenas that you, as film side-character Griffin, progressively beat down three or four enemies at a time in. Each time Griffin enters a room, he will be privy to texture popping, sluggish frame-rate and enemies that appear-and-reappear at their discretion. Popping out one-liners (of which there are less than ten that he repeats) Griffin dances in circles around the hapless, taser-wielding baddies who have no inclination to ever attack the player, save for the odd occasion where their defense becomes unbreakable - to the point of having to restart entire levels.

By the time you hit this level - 10 minutes in - you’ve got everything you need from Jumper.

Combat is unique in Griffin’s Story. The face buttons of the controller correspond to the area of the bad guy you are about to smack with a pipe: front, back, left and right. Hitting “Y” on the 360’s gamepad has Griffin teleporting (the whole idea of the franchise) behind the foe he’s zoned in on. Unfortunately, enemy defense is their greatest trait. Attack quadrants that are colored red are areas you do not want to attack - the enemy will counter it - but despite having only one area to defend, they seem to randomly know where you are attacking from, and will infinitely counter your attacks, no matter which direction they’re coming from.

This is the only indication of enemy AI, and it is infuriatingly cheap. They’re otherwise worthlessly brain dead with no in-between, so depending on which side the coin lands on, you’ll either be whoopin’ ass effortlessly or struggling with a cheating jerk.

Jumper is an abomination. It’s a complete disaster with busted mechanics and so-five-years-ago graphics. On top of that, it’s an un-entertaining and boring adventure that lasts all of 90 minutes at a criminal $60 price point.

When this drops to a bargain price, file a restraining order on the bargain bin.

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